More Stress Than I Can Take

Thank God I don't have any followers because no one ever really wants to listen to someone bitch, and that's what I am about to do.

Burlesque show is on Sunday. Do I have anything prepared? No. The best I have done is make one cute mini top hat and one absolutely fucking heinous mini top hat. Picking out music, costumes, putting some semblance of a routine together... not done. And really, I will admit to having no desire to do it. I mean, I just can't get motivated. I'm not into it. I'm not even looking forward to it. I am dreading it. I am going through some serious self-hate issues and one of the byproducts of that is not having the want to do anything I used to love. Strange, I know...

So I was talking to my friend Wondersquirt, and she said," Well you have two ways to do it basically..." and I honestly can't remember what the first one was, lol, but the second was, " ... or you can just force it and get it done." I sighed. " Ya, you are right. And because I am out of time, I am just going to have to force it." So I am trying to force it right now. Really trying. Trying to force myself to get excited and get motivated. And you know what? It's sort of working!

But then, no. My baby son decides that he just wants to get into EVERYTHING. Sleep? What's sleep? He laughs as he pulls all the plugs out of the computer, rips my headphones from my head, does all his little baby things that normally I can take when I am not trying to force myself to get into something. Trying to handle him makes me lose the strength to force it. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to be like, " Hey, wtf!?! Come on!!! I never get ANY time to myself. You are supposed to be sleeping. This is supposed to by 'my time' ( or as close as I can get to it) when I can get things done and now I can't."

I am in a time crunch and the pressure and anger just aren't mixing well in me. I am ready to quit the show. I actually already did. It just got to the point where I couldn't get him to stay still and where I could not get anything done and I just lost it and said, " You know what, this shit is too hard to try and do all at the same time. Forget it." I just don't have the patience to deal right now. I don't. For some reason, that is one gift that I did not get blessed with during creation and boy, to I feel it every day. Having a little patience would probably make a lot of things better for me.

So ya, I said I am done, and I am. Yet I am still looking shit up. Still trying to force it. Even though every part of me is saying, " Fuck it" and I am angry beyond all reasonable reason, I am still trying. I guess the reason I am truly pissed is because for a little bit there I started feeling the old way, kind of excited, kind of nervous, I was getting creative and starting to really THINK. And then my son just tipped my stress point and I am just all lost again. He's my baby, and I love him, but God, can't he just go to sleep? Lol. Did he HAVE to get my night owl tendencies? Ha ha, very funny, God. You got me good, didn't You...

You ever get so trapped in your own head, stuck in a cage forged from your own thoughts, that all you want to do is start screaming, throw your hands up in the air, and walk away from it all? If so, meet me at the bus stop. That's where I am at right now. It's hare to relax when you are sober... It's almost that time....

There comes a certain time in my night when it is just too late, I am too tired, and I just have to go to bed. Even though I have stuff to do I will just go to bed. I am coming to that point. That point where I am DONE and I just have to really forget about all of it. Ya, I am there right now. Like I said, I'm glad no one reads this but me. What a burnout.

Love,
Simone

Winding Down

Just got home after tonight's show on www.ukufradio.com. Our guest was DJ Robopunk, who laid down just some straight sick original tracks. Everything he played he produced, and it was all AMAZING. I've gotten better being on the mic lol, or so they said. I felt better, at least. You would think with all the lipstick fetish I do, being in front of a camera would be no problem. Yet it is! Trying to remember things and talk about them at the same time isn't easy, especially when you are LIVE and there are no do overs, lol.

I love the guys I work with though, they are great. The show is over though ( yet I am playing the replay as I write this, lol) so now I am trying to focus on getting my burlesque shows together. I made my two mini top hats. One turned out adorable, the other one... it has been dubbed " The Perpetrator" because it caused me a wicked burn on the tip of one of my thumbs. I don't know how I feel about " The Perpetrator". It doesn't look the way I had hoped and imagined. I may have to make another one to make myself feel better, lol.

I feel bad because I have really been ignoring my myspace and such. But I have to tell you, it's just so much work to go on and do everything. I feel bad because I sort of avoid it. It's not that I don't want to stay in touch. Just Twitter is WAAAAAY easier, and I am all about easy, lol. I should go check on my myspace. Now that I am talking about it I am feeling guilty...

Well all, I have to get to work getting my shows together. Wish me luck!

Love,
Simone

Oh My God, What a Bitch...

... today has been. Jesus f-ing Christ, man. I have spent looooong hours sitting in front of my computer going through the two Twitter accounts I maintain ( one being mine, the other being Ukufradio's) and deleting spammer after spammer after spammer. What is up with people always having to ruin a good thing? This is supposed to be about connecting with people and sharing information, not filling their eyes and minds with useless crap, making them want to give up on Twitter all together. Seriously, I wanted to scream.

Even worse, for some reason Adobe AIR has decided that I may not install any of the useful applications such as Tweetdeck, Seismic Desktop, Nambu, etc... So anything that might make my life a little easier is not happening. Lol. All I can do is laugh. It doesn't matter in the long run. I am used to having to do things the hard way. God loves to try my patience. It's His hobby.

All I wanted to do today is make a mini top hat. In case you are wondering, no, I do not have a new camera yet, so I am still not filming. Sigh... I feel like such a loser for not working. I want to make clips SO BADLY!!! It's like, yes, I have a lipstick fetish, and it gets me off to put my lipstick on. But I have another fetish, and I don't know what you call it, but basically it's that I like to be watched. So putting it on is only have the enjoyment. Knowing someone is watching me do it, being turned on by it, THAT is what seals the deal for me. Voyeurism? Is that what you call it? Exhibitionism? Whatever it is, I like it, and not having it happen, I do not like AT ALL.

I have also been busy with other things. I have the radio show on Wednesday ( www.ukufradio.com for those of you who want to watch) and then the burlesque show on Sunday. I don't even want to think about how unprepared I am for the latter. I mean, I have a whole bunch of routines that I can use. Yet I always like to think of something new and fresh. I hate doing the same routine twice, even though a lot of my routines are fan favorites that people would love to see again. I don't know, I just always have to top myself, so when I can't, I feel like I suck. Does that make any sense? Yes, I am super competitive with myself, lol. I know.

Anyway, I am going to see about making that mini top hat. If I can't have a new routine I can at least have a new accessory or two to spice things up. I love accessories...

Love,
Simone

Click click click

So I joined Twitter Follower, both for myself and for the online radio show I co-host. Instead of working on mine I am working on theirs. Click, click, click, click.... boy oh boy, is this fun! I am just click follow after follow after follow. I really do hope that this all pans out. My finger is beginning to hurt from all the clicking. Someone better come kiss it and make it better.

I got a new webcam today to try and temporary solve my no-camera crisis. Turns out it sucks fucking ASS!!!! Thank God Best Buy has a return policy... Yes, it is THAT BAD. So, yet again, my filming schedule gets pushed back. Man, I feel like such a loser!!! I have all these requests waiting to be fulfilled that I am just stuck waiting and waiting to do. And they are all piling up and it's making me crazy. I hate looking like a liar and a slacker, and right now, I feel I look like both.

So ya, found out who told on me. Can't say I am at all surprised. For someone who doesn't care about me and has not interest in my life, supposedly, they sure are involved in my business. Fucker. Whatever, though. Go snitch on me when you have something better than my lipstick fetish. I put on lipstick for a living. Oooh.... oh no!!! How dare I?! LMFAO. God, it's pathetic the things some people get their panties in a twist about. Ugh...

Anyway, I need to get back to my clicking. Oh ya, I can't wait! Lol.

Love,
Simone

Pissed Off

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I had to...

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