Saturday, August 15, 2009

More Stress Than I Can Take

Thank God I don't have any followers because no one ever really wants to listen to someone bitch, and that's what I am about to do.

Burlesque show is on Sunday. Do I have anything prepared? No. The best I have done is make one cute mini top hat and one absolutely fucking heinous mini top hat. Picking out music, costumes, putting some semblance of a routine together... not done. And really, I will admit to having no desire to do it. I mean, I just can't get motivated. I'm not into it. I'm not even looking forward to it. I am dreading it. I am going through some serious self-hate issues and one of the byproducts of that is not having the want to do anything I used to love. Strange, I know...

So I was talking to my friend Wondersquirt, and she said," Well you have two ways to do it basically..." and I honestly can't remember what the first one was, lol, but the second was, " ... or you can just force it and get it done." I sighed. " Ya, you are right. And because I am out of time, I am just going to have to force it." So I am trying to force it right now. Really trying. Trying to force myself to get excited and get motivated. And you know what? It's sort of working!

But then, no. My baby son decides that he just wants to get into EVERYTHING. Sleep? What's sleep? He laughs as he pulls all the plugs out of the computer, rips my headphones from my head, does all his little baby things that normally I can take when I am not trying to force myself to get into something. Trying to handle him makes me lose the strength to force it. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to be like, " Hey, wtf!?! Come on!!! I never get ANY time to myself. You are supposed to be sleeping. This is supposed to by 'my time' ( or as close as I can get to it) when I can get things done and now I can't."

I am in a time crunch and the pressure and anger just aren't mixing well in me. I am ready to quit the show. I actually already did. It just got to the point where I couldn't get him to stay still and where I could not get anything done and I just lost it and said, " You know what, this shit is too hard to try and do all at the same time. Forget it." I just don't have the patience to deal right now. I don't. For some reason, that is one gift that I did not get blessed with during creation and boy, to I feel it every day. Having a little patience would probably make a lot of things better for me.

So ya, I said I am done, and I am. Yet I am still looking shit up. Still trying to force it. Even though every part of me is saying, " Fuck it" and I am angry beyond all reasonable reason, I am still trying. I guess the reason I am truly pissed is because for a little bit there I started feeling the old way, kind of excited, kind of nervous, I was getting creative and starting to really THINK. And then my son just tipped my stress point and I am just all lost again. He's my baby, and I love him, but God, can't he just go to sleep? Lol. Did he HAVE to get my night owl tendencies? Ha ha, very funny, God. You got me good, didn't You...

You ever get so trapped in your own head, stuck in a cage forged from your own thoughts, that all you want to do is start screaming, throw your hands up in the air, and walk away from it all? If so, meet me at the bus stop. That's where I am at right now. It's hare to relax when you are sober... It's almost that time....

There comes a certain time in my night when it is just too late, I am too tired, and I just have to go to bed. Even though I have stuff to do I will just go to bed. I am coming to that point. That point where I am DONE and I just have to really forget about all of it. Ya, I am there right now. Like I said, I'm glad no one reads this but me. What a burnout.


Thursday, August 13, 2009

Winding Down

Just got home after tonight's show on Our guest was DJ Robopunk, who laid down just some straight sick original tracks. Everything he played he produced, and it was all AMAZING. I've gotten better being on the mic lol, or so they said. I felt better, at least. You would think with all the lipstick fetish I do, being in front of a camera would be no problem. Yet it is! Trying to remember things and talk about them at the same time isn't easy, especially when you are LIVE and there are no do overs, lol.

I love the guys I work with though, they are great. The show is over though ( yet I am playing the replay as I write this, lol) so now I am trying to focus on getting my burlesque shows together. I made my two mini top hats. One turned out adorable, the other one... it has been dubbed " The Perpetrator" because it caused me a wicked burn on the tip of one of my thumbs. I don't know how I feel about " The Perpetrator". It doesn't look the way I had hoped and imagined. I may have to make another one to make myself feel better, lol.

I feel bad because I have really been ignoring my myspace and such. But I have to tell you, it's just so much work to go on and do everything. I feel bad because I sort of avoid it. It's not that I don't want to stay in touch. Just Twitter is WAAAAAY easier, and I am all about easy, lol. I should go check on my myspace. Now that I am talking about it I am feeling guilty...

Well all, I have to get to work getting my shows together. Wish me luck!


Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Oh My God, What a Bitch...

... today has been. Jesus f-ing Christ, man. I have spent looooong hours sitting in front of my computer going through the two Twitter accounts I maintain ( one being mine, the other being Ukufradio's) and deleting spammer after spammer after spammer. What is up with people always having to ruin a good thing? This is supposed to be about connecting with people and sharing information, not filling their eyes and minds with useless crap, making them want to give up on Twitter all together. Seriously, I wanted to scream.

Even worse, for some reason Adobe AIR has decided that I may not install any of the useful applications such as Tweetdeck, Seismic Desktop, Nambu, etc... So anything that might make my life a little easier is not happening. Lol. All I can do is laugh. It doesn't matter in the long run. I am used to having to do things the hard way. God loves to try my patience. It's His hobby.

All I wanted to do today is make a mini top hat. In case you are wondering, no, I do not have a new camera yet, so I am still not filming. Sigh... I feel like such a loser for not working. I want to make clips SO BADLY!!! It's like, yes, I have a lipstick fetish, and it gets me off to put my lipstick on. But I have another fetish, and I don't know what you call it, but basically it's that I like to be watched. So putting it on is only have the enjoyment. Knowing someone is watching me do it, being turned on by it, THAT is what seals the deal for me. Voyeurism? Is that what you call it? Exhibitionism? Whatever it is, I like it, and not having it happen, I do not like AT ALL.

I have also been busy with other things. I have the radio show on Wednesday ( for those of you who want to watch) and then the burlesque show on Sunday. I don't even want to think about how unprepared I am for the latter. I mean, I have a whole bunch of routines that I can use. Yet I always like to think of something new and fresh. I hate doing the same routine twice, even though a lot of my routines are fan favorites that people would love to see again. I don't know, I just always have to top myself, so when I can't, I feel like I suck. Does that make any sense? Yes, I am super competitive with myself, lol. I know.

Anyway, I am going to see about making that mini top hat. If I can't have a new routine I can at least have a new accessory or two to spice things up. I love accessories...


Sunday, August 9, 2009

Click click click

So I joined Twitter Follower, both for myself and for the online radio show I co-host. Instead of working on mine I am working on theirs. Click, click, click, click.... boy oh boy, is this fun! I am just click follow after follow after follow. I really do hope that this all pans out. My finger is beginning to hurt from all the clicking. Someone better come kiss it and make it better.

I got a new webcam today to try and temporary solve my no-camera crisis. Turns out it sucks fucking ASS!!!! Thank God Best Buy has a return policy... Yes, it is THAT BAD. So, yet again, my filming schedule gets pushed back. Man, I feel like such a loser!!! I have all these requests waiting to be fulfilled that I am just stuck waiting and waiting to do. And they are all piling up and it's making me crazy. I hate looking like a liar and a slacker, and right now, I feel I look like both.

So ya, found out who told on me. Can't say I am at all surprised. For someone who doesn't care about me and has not interest in my life, supposedly, they sure are involved in my business. Fucker. Whatever, though. Go snitch on me when you have something better than my lipstick fetish. I put on lipstick for a living. Oooh.... oh no!!! How dare I?! LMFAO. God, it's pathetic the things some people get their panties in a twist about. Ugh...

Anyway, I need to get back to my clicking. Oh ya, I can't wait! Lol.


Saturday, August 8, 2009

Pissed Off

So hey, I just want to give a huge " Fuck you very much" to whoever decided to send my mom that " anonymous" email that included a link to my fetish store. That was really awesome of you. I put the " anonymous" in quotes because apparently some people don't realize that when you use the company electronic stationary it usually has an electronic signature on it. You should remember that for future reference, idiot. And worst of all, what were you doing looking at a fetish porn site anyway? Explain that one...

You know, it wasn't like I was never going to tell my mom. I mean, shit, it's not porn. I have a freaking lipstick fetish! The worst I have done is give my guy a lipstick blowjob. But how bad is that, really? He's not some stranger. I'm not getting paid ( by him, at least, lol). Putting a penis in my mouth isn't my daytime job. This is something we do on our own time in our own privacy, and hey, if someone wants to pay to see that, they can go right ahead and do so. I have no issues with it. That's just me though.

No, I did not want my mom to see that, of course. Which is why you will now find those clips in my members area only, for now. Thank God she is being cool about it... so far. To be honest, I feel like it's only a matter of time before this goes from, " It's cool, you aren't doing anything bad anyway" to " You're a stupid fucking whore get out of my house!". And that's alright. I was making my exit anyway. I just don't want it to be like that. Can I ever just go with a smile? Does is always have to end in a fight? Granted, none of this has happened, yet. But if history is bound to repeat itself ( and it is) then I have a few weeks, tops, before things start going crazy.

I don't know, I guess I am just disappointed. I didn't want my mom to find out this way. This was something I wanted to tell her, on my own time and my own terms. Having that choice taken away from me has really pissed me off. I am not some stupid teenager that needs looking after. I am an adult now, free to make my own choices and do what I want with myself and my life. I think I can handle it. This wasn't even about telling my mom so she could come save me or whatever. This was more to point out what a " loser" I am, something to embarrass my mom with and laugh at. Guess what though? No one really cares. So it backfired, in a way. I won't forget this though. No I won't.

The cat is out of the bag though, so that's cool. I just don't want to talk about it anymore. I had to come and vent real quick, because if I didn't it was going to eat me up inside. And I don't digest very well...


Friday, August 7, 2009

I had to...

So I had to start my own blog, separate from Myspace and my members area and all that stuff. There are certain things I can't or don't talk about in my Myspace blog and because of it, I have sort of just quit blogging there all together. But it is something I enjoy doing, so I have found somewhere else to go.

I'm pissed off right now. I need a new digital camera so bad for my clips store so I can start filming again. I was supposed to get one today, but things didn't work out ( surprise, surprise, lol) and so I am still camera-less. Not filming is driving me CRAZY!!! I threw myself into this work SO HARD when I started, because I liked it and enjoyed making people happy. Being stuck, unable to do anything but freak out over how many video requests I have backed up is not making me feel to good. I just want to get this fixed, PLEASE!, so that I can get back to work.

Next week I will be back on On Wednesday August 12th, from 9-11 pm I will be co-hosting the live stream house music radio show. The guest dj is DJ Robopunk, which is going to be awesome! I am working on a Twitter for them, as well as my own. It's a slow going, lol. You just want to have like, thousands of followers right NOW, you know what I mean? But it doesn't work like that. I am going to see if Von will hand over the money to help me get one of the Twitter promotion companies working for us. I figure that will help since it is a business ( of sorts) that they ( we?) are trying to run. Hopefully this next time I won't come late and miss DJ Von U-KUF spinning, AGAIN. I swear he does it on purpose...

In other news, I am coming back to the stage on August 16th for California Girl's of Anaheim's Gin Joint Burlesque Show. Yay! Wish I was skinnier but whatever. I say that, but you know I am going to try starving myself before then, lol. I'm just kidding. I am trying to figure out in my head if there is any way to truly drop like 5 pounds in a week that doesn't require me wearing a trash bag suit or anything crazy like that. Probably not. The stupid thing is, I'm not fat. I'm just fat TO ME. And that is the worst of all...

Alright, well my blog cherry has been popped. I'm happy to have a new place to blog again. Now if only Twitter would be so easy...