Thank God I don't have any followers because no one ever really wants to listen to someone bitch, and that's what I am about to do.
Burlesque show is on Sunday. Do I have anything prepared? No. The best I have done is make one cute mini top hat and one absolutely fucking heinous mini top hat. Picking out music, costumes, putting some semblance of a routine together... not done. And really, I will admit to having no desire to do it. I mean, I just can't get motivated. I'm not into it. I'm not even looking forward to it. I am dreading it. I am going through some serious self-hate issues and one of the byproducts of that is not having the want to do anything I used to love. Strange, I know...
So I was talking to my friend Wondersquirt, and she said," Well you have two ways to do it basically..." and I honestly can't remember what the first one was, lol, but the second was, " ... or you can just force it and get it done." I sighed. " Ya, you are right. And because I am out of time, I am just going to have to force it." So I am trying to force it right now. Really trying. Trying to force myself to get excited and get motivated. And you know what? It's sort of working!
But then, no. My baby son decides that he just wants to get into EVERYTHING. Sleep? What's sleep? He laughs as he pulls all the plugs out of the computer, rips my headphones from my head, does all his little baby things that normally I can take when I am not trying to force myself to get into something. Trying to handle him makes me lose the strength to force it. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to be like, " Hey, wtf!?! Come on!!! I never get ANY time to myself. You are supposed to be sleeping. This is supposed to by 'my time' ( or as close as I can get to it) when I can get things done and now I can't."
I am in a time crunch and the pressure and anger just aren't mixing well in me. I am ready to quit the show. I actually already did. It just got to the point where I couldn't get him to stay still and where I could not get anything done and I just lost it and said, " You know what, this shit is too hard to try and do all at the same time. Forget it." I just don't have the patience to deal right now. I don't. For some reason, that is one gift that I did not get blessed with during creation and boy, to I feel it every day. Having a little patience would probably make a lot of things better for me.
So ya, I said I am done, and I am. Yet I am still looking shit up. Still trying to force it. Even though every part of me is saying, " Fuck it" and I am angry beyond all reasonable reason, I am still trying. I guess the reason I am truly pissed is because for a little bit there I started feeling the old way, kind of excited, kind of nervous, I was getting creative and starting to really THINK. And then my son just tipped my stress point and I am just all lost again. He's my baby, and I love him, but God, can't he just go to sleep? Lol. Did he HAVE to get my night owl tendencies? Ha ha, very funny, God. You got me good, didn't You...
You ever get so trapped in your own head, stuck in a cage forged from your own thoughts, that all you want to do is start screaming, throw your hands up in the air, and walk away from it all? If so, meet me at the bus stop. That's where I am at right now. It's hare to relax when you are sober... It's almost that time....
There comes a certain time in my night when it is just too late, I am too tired, and I just have to go to bed. Even though I have stuff to do I will just go to bed. I am coming to that point. That point where I am DONE and I just have to really forget about all of it. Ya, I am there right now. Like I said, I'm glad no one reads this but me. What a burnout.